Thinking about Thinking

As I have said, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.  I like to think, sometimes.  But, of course, that doesn't mean I'm good at it.  Some people like to sing, and anyone who has attended a karaoke session knows that doesn't mean they have to be good at it.  So in a sense, it feels like I have some sort of gall (or misapprehension about my talents) to write a blog based on what I think.

It is a lot easier to write a blog about what I feel.  Which is what my other blog was largely about.  No one can argue with you about what you feel.  People will just willingly (for the most part) read it and try to come along with you and understand your feelings.  That is really quite a generous thing about them.  It also is reflective of a cultural understanding/assumption about the nature of feelings.  In any case, writing my other blog, about my feelings and experiences, was MUCH easier than this.

Because now I am dealing with thinking.   And that is sorta subjected to a higher level of criticism.  At least, I hope it is.  I hope it is, even though that idea gives me pause.

The one thing about self-delusion is that your self is deluded.  By which I mean that those most ill-suited to sing are often the last to see it.  You can't have ever watched "American Idol" and not know this.  It is the WORST singers that get furious and yell at the judges.  And in a sense, I feel like I am getting up on stage in front of a group of judges and opening up my mouth to pour out not music but thoughts.  And the judges might have to tell me that "Hey, I think you shouldn't quit your day job." (don't worry, I won't yell at you) 

Which is as it should be, and also frightening.  I think I mentioned in a previous blog that I am really quite a chicken.

And also, while thinking, I try and examine my thoughts.  At times, I find them not good.  I mean, I have found my own reasoning to be flawed.  Erroneous.  Poorly constructed.  Which is a bit disheartening, when your realize this.

I would be totally worried about myself, and the directions I might take in life, if I didn't believe in the Bible as THE word of God.  Oh, OK, let me say that I am still sometimes worried.  I mean, even my thoughts about the Bible are often flawed.  But because I believe the Bible is God's word, and I believe that God has promised in the Bible that He will keep me safe in His word as I read it and trust Him to do this, well, I have a sense of security.  My thoughts are flawed, but God and His word are not.

Some of you are of course reading this and thinking (to yourself if you are trying to be polite, otherwise you might write it in comments and then it wouldn't be just thinking anymore.  Not that disagreeing is not polite, only I think you might think the word "Hooey" but say it a bit "nicer.") "What a lot of HOOEY.  Seriously, she's so right about not being a good thinker."  And at this point all I can say is "Hey, please, give me a chance, after all, you don't know WHY I believe that.  You only know why you DON'T believe it."

Oh, I just read that last paragraph and it made me laugh because it is assuming that anyone who disagrees with me is reading this, but are they?  I have no idea... so let's just pretend.

Anyway, back to thinking, and whether or not the thinking is logically justifiable or reasonable or well-knit or whatever you want to call it.  Thinking is not really in vogue, I don't think.  Feeling and experience really are more... desirable? for our present time.  Still, you can't escape from thinking, (well, maybe you can, but that is a different topic) and most of us  would say there is still some benefit and necessity for thinking.

There is a lot of mistrust of authority.  And it is not entirely unjustified.  We often don't entirely trust "authority" figures, most particularly those who are not in "scientific" fields.  We suspect their motives and thus question some of the things they say.  Which is to say, we think about their thoughts carefully.  Critically.  Sometimes even with great suspicion.  Depending, of course, who it is and what they are trying to tell us.

Here is a problem I think we have, though.  You can think about my thoughts and see if you think they are good.  Or not.

But I think that we have erroneously equated wrong thinking to those in authority because they have ulterior motives.  And we sort of believe that "authority" or the desire for it, is the problem.  You know, "Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely."  I can't and wouldn't even attempt to deny some truth to that.

So we question people who try and claim some sort of authority.  Most particularly those people whom we find ourselves disinclined to agree with.  Like me, for example.  Trying to say there is some sort of objective and absolute truth to the Bible.  You might question that.  And why shouldn't you?  I mean, if you disagree, isn't the onus on me, in a sense.  Why should you just swallow what I say without any reason or evidence?

Thing is, so often we forget that WE are also an authority.  Every one of us.  We are an authority to ourselves, we are autonomous beings.  And we also have ulterior motives.  And most of the time, our irrational, erroneous, mistaken thoughts come out of our ulterior motives. 

Classic example:  The person we know who is having an affair with a married man.  And they continue this relationship for years.  All signs and evidence points to the fact that the man is not going to leave his wife and kids.  Still, though we want to shout at our friend, "Can't you see the truth!" they continue on in this affair in the hope that one day, the man will leave his wife and marry them.


And then, one day, they "come to their senses" so to speak.  They break it off with the man.  "How could I have lied to myself like that?" they ask.  "Why didn't I see the truth?"  Well, we all know, don't we?  They really wanted to believe, so they did.

Because our thinking can be subjected to our ulterior motives, or even just to our "experience."  (this is just one hypothetical example, but I'm sure you can think of many more real life ones)  And if our hypothetical friend really enjoys being with this man, if the experience of being with him makes her feel  good feelings of being loved, well, to be honest from what I have seen, experience wins most of the time.  Most of the time, we allow ourselves to have our thinking warped by our ulterior motives.

We call that "justifying" what we do.  There is a biblical definition to the word "justification" but that is not the way I'm using it here.  I mean that we bend our thinking to give us "reasons" to do what we really want to do, and to believe what we really want to believe.  But our thinking has been flawed by our ulterior motives or fooled by our experience.  And sometimes our justifying intellectually our experiences or desires, sometimes it really leads us into doodoo.

Am I wrong?  I don't think so.  :)

Which brings us to the point of asking "Who can we believe?"  I mean, what is a person to do?  You can't trust the thinking of other people, because their "thinking" might be warped due to their ulterior motives, but hey, the same thing might be true of us.... hmmmmm?

Difficult situation, isn't it?  Most of us just try to make do with ourselves.  After all, if you can't trust yourself, who can you trust?  Well, trust yourself if you like, if that is the best you can do.  I know I can't really trust myself.  Yes, I have to rely on my thinking.  There is a sense that my thoughts are the best I got.  I realize this.

But I know I have to test my thoughts too.  I can't be objective about them.  But can I try to be.  And the best my thoughts can do, the most logic I can muster and all that, leads me to the Bible and to God.  Testing it out as much as I can, thinking about it with the best of my thoughts, it has not failed me.

Which brings me to trust it.  And then, the odd thing is, the Bible shows me that God Himself has been calling me all along.  That His Spirit has been convicting me of my wrong and faulty thinking.  That God Himself has been speaking truth into my heart, waiting for me to accept it all along.  The Spirit of God, according to the Bible, is the revealor of the hidden motives of our heart.  And so, I am trusting God, who led me to the Bible and to Jesus. 

It is a weird sort of 20/20 hindsight.  Because the odd thing is, I have come to believe, trust, see as True, things that would not naturally appeal to many of my ulterior motives.  And though I am trusting God to lead me into all truth, I know that there is still a choice I make, I can still allow ulterior motives to bend my thoughts.  And sometimes still do. 

Maybe I'll explain that more another day.  This is a long, long blog.  You many find the thoughts here to be irrational, off base, not clear, not worth much.  They are the best I could do under the circumstances.  All I ask of you is that if you reject them as being uninteresting, unreasonable or uncompelling, that you first make sure that you are checking out your own ulterior motives.